meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
