3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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