I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
