..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
