Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
