yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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