I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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