she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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