Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
