woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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