Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
handjob tips. give me some.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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