FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
