He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
