Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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