I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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