Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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