if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
These tits shall not be calmed
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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