If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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