I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
