Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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