The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
