No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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