what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
