we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
