My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
