so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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