Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
