she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
