I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
