you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
