my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
