you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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