You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
