im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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