I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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