I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
