Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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