My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
