I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
