Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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