god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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