it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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