She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
