I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We had sex on a dog bed..
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
