I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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