I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
