My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
God, I missed his penis.
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