Porn is love you can see.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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