i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
as a side note pls kill me
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