the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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