We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
