he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
In America we eat man semen.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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