just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
