If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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