I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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