you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
